Words of the Heavy Heart

"I am in so much pain!" People ask where it hurts as I am bawling, in hysterics, hyperventilating. "In my heart, in my soul, I don't know!" They chuckle as that was not the response they were expecting. But when I don't join in the laughs, they get serious again, fumbling for ways to help as they simply do not know what to do.

This past year has been set with very shattering lows and magnificent highs. I still struggle as I try to untangle all of the feelings...the sorrow, the anger, the anxiety....the fear....the guilt. So much fear. So much guilt.

I have been lucky that for the last year I have had an amazing man by my side through thick and thin. I wish I could help him understand the enormity of my emotions, but if he truly knew, he would be scared. So even though I will keep trying as he persists in wanting to understand, I never wish he know the true depth of my anxiety.

He was there the first day this all began (again)...

A year ago you hurt me. You hurt us...by hurting yourself. I saw it coming. I knew you were depressed. I could see it in your eyes, I could see it in the way you held yourself. I tried prying, tried understanding. I dug and dug, only to find out that what you gave me was all superficial. Yes, those were the things that you were dealing with, but I did not understand how deeply they were moving your heart...your soul.

I came over to find you being taken to the hospital, being told you had accidentally overdosed. Maybe they were trying to cover the truth for your sake...for my sake...but I foolishly believed them. Again, I failed to see how deep the hurt was...to understand the true complexity of the situation. I stayed behind, trying to make things seem normal for others...maybe I thought everything was normal? I would not let myself think about the reasons...why would this happen? I tried to keep myself innocent and oblivious.

But as time went on, I had to face it head on as I was forced to face more and more of the truth. I didn't want to...I was scared of what I would find...and I think you knew that. I never did get the truth from you. For each of us, a different story. Maybe you knew I didn't want to face the truth...that I would crumble from its weight...I was heartbroken that you didn't feel you could share with me...but I did find out and you would have been right...I crumbled from so many different pressure points.

Why would you not open up to me? I tried to talk it out with you just two days ago.

Why would you do this? Don't you know we would miss you?

How could you do this!? I was angry you could be so selfish as to not know how it would affect others. This person withdrew...that person got sick and cautious of their every decision and how it would affect you. Me? I was destroyed.

So many of us deal with these exact same issues...I deal with these exact same issues. I thought we had an unspoken pact that no matter how bad it got, we would never do this. We would never let it get this far.

As a matter of fact, at one point in my life it did nearly get this far. The ONLY reason I never went through with it was because of you. I didn't believe you would follow in my footsteps, but maybe you would do something drastic...maybe hurt yourself in some way. (When I told you this, you weren't worried about me...you were worried that I thought of you as weak.)

So yeah, I held on to a lot of guilt and a lot of anger for months and months. Guilt for unsuccessfully trying to help you and anger that you did not think about how your choice would have affected the rest of us.

Those feelings, mixed with the stress of my job led me to at least weekly anxiety attacks of grand proportions. My hair fell out in giant clumps. My nails stopped growing. I gained weight. I never got any sleep. The stress of my job grew as I could not reach my own expectations as I was just too tired...physically and mentally...to accomplish the simplest of tasks.

I broke down. I shut down.

And now I feel fear...so much fear. I am not there to watch your every move. I am not there to make sure you know you are wanted. I am not there to make sure you are taking your medicine, or going to therapy. I am not there to help the others as they deal with the fallout of this episode. I feel I have made it worse by moving away. By trying to be my own person.

I should be fully enjoying this new stage in my life. But instead, I am terrified.

Goodbye, 2012

Beside the death of a friend, 2012 was a great year. I have moved forward in so many things instead of being stagnant. I took the time to figure out who I am and what I want in life besides a degree. It was great just spending some alone time, but I have to say that it's great to be back in the social scene...even if it's only in the slightest way.

This travel blog photo's source is TravelPod page: Germany

I'm tired, and sad.
A friend of mine that I was close with at one point died last week in a plane crash. They have no idea what happened. The plane just went down. I don't know, it's just awful, and I don't understand it. How can people so young, full of life, and on fire for God just be gone like that? In an instant he passed away. It doesn't make any sense.

He will be missed by so many people.
R.I.P. Luke Sheets

A man dies.
Does anybody miss him?
Is he suppose to be forever alone, even into death?
That hardly seems fair. And what does he have to show for his life?
Did he leave a legacy?
Why do we have to live? So that we can die?
Life. A strange concept when it comes to such early demise.
So much left, yet all of it gone.
Slipped through like the sands of an hour glass.
Not even to go into someone else's hour glass.
Just to sit there, useless, needed by so many, yet wasting away.
I guess that that is what is meant by "life's not fair."

I'm in a mood...

I have been in this mood lately...I want to say that it is an artistic mood, but I am not artistic in most ways. I do write, and I love to do that, but at what point is it called art? I know that I consider literature art, but is it only the good books that I find artistic? Haven't thought about that much.

I like to write short stories. It is quite fun making up a mini world of your own. Right now I am working on one large story and failing at finishing all of my little ones. I think I am going to start putting them up on one of my other blogs more often so that way I feel like they have to get done.

My short stories come from my dreams. When I was little, my mom would always pray that we would have a peaceful sleep with no dreams. One night it was my turn to pray and I prayed that I would a peaceful night with nice dreams. My mom about flipped on that one. I had to explain to her that I really liked my dreams. That they were like stories or movies that I got to watch every night. I was glad that she understood because that ended up being our new prayer every night. Sure, I will occasionally have a bad dream, but if I wake up and there was not a happy ending, I will go back to sleep if I don't have to be at work or school.

I thought it was funny when Stephanie Meyer said that the Twilight series was derived from one of her dreams. I thought it was ridiculous that she dreamt about a sparkly vampire falling in love with a human and that she then decided to make a book out of that! But then I realized that that was, in fact, brilliant! I dream in stories anyway, why not write them down. Who knows....maybe one of them will turn into a mega hit like Twilight...although, I just write for pure fun :)

I am about to go add a bit to my Julianna Hope story. Ciao for now!

and then i come to the realization that i am not alone.

edit:: wow, i was trying to put "and then i come to the realization that i am alone"...i wrote that without even thinking. obviously my subconscious knows that i am not alone. that's good to know :)

I Don't Know What the Point Is....

But I wanted to type this out anyway. Yesterday I was at Gap where I am a sales associate. I was working in the Body department when this lady came in. And I can't remember what happened because I am finishing this post several days later and have no idea what I was going to post!

What if I had thought about it?

I just found out on Facebook that someone I know got air flown to a local hospital because of a longboarding accident. It's odd because last week while I was at work this girl came up to me and said hi and said that she was his sister and that she remembered me from high school. I can tell you that I have never seen this girl before, let alone met her (as far as I can remember). My mom use to tell me that when something strange like that happens that I should send up a little prayer for them and the people related to the situation. I wonder if I had sent up a little "take care of him, God" prayer, if things would have been different? I can't help but wonder. I know that the world does not lay on my shoulders, but what if I could have helped in the prevention of this by sending up a prayer, or trying to get back in contact with him? Who knows, just my mind reeling. Hoping and praying hard that he will be alright and that everything will run smoothly at the hospital.

Dance The Night Away!

Imagine close knit quarters where everyone is bunched in together. Some people are drunk, some not, and some just tipsy. Everyone is dancing to the rhythm of the music and absolutely enjoying every minute. It is getting hot and sweaty, but no one minds...they are simply there to dance and have fun doing so. Nobody is expecting to go home that night, but instead passing out where they fall whether from exhaustion...or other means.

Now, did you think of a dance club where there is loud techno music and chick grinding on guys?

What I am talking about is something entirely different. The music is slow...at more of a walking tempo most of the time. Bodies close, moving as one, but there isn't necessarily any grinding going on. People are letting the music be more than background music, they are letting it be a part of their dancing, a part of how they move, a part of their soul. Every sound and every beat can be felt between the two partners, growing in intensity and diminishing to almost nothing, as the music does.

This is the essence of Blues dancing. Not many people have heard of it, much less tried it. Blues is a much more sensual experience, a bond between two partners, even for more than just the length of the song. Blues dancing is freeing in a way that other types of dance are not. And believe it or not, blues dancing is starting to sweep across the nation.

There are blues exchanges and workshops that happen in Portland, Oregon; Denver, Colorado; Tulsa, Oklahoma; and many places in California; Austin, Texas; and several other places across the U.S. These don't happen in large spaces, but rather in smaller, more intimate settings, where one is forced to get to know everyone. Two people from opposite sides of the country become close friends when they wouldn't have even met if it wasn't for these dances. It is true that all dance brings people together, but blues takes it to the next level. Bonds, friendships, and true relationships are formed due to the amazing power of blues dance.

Here I am adding a few links to different videos of blues dancing:

"Chris Ransdell and Dee Kalick Dancing Blues at La Casa"

"Tommy and Dee Blues Performance"

"Chris and Lessa Lamb - San Diego Fusion Exchange Teacher Demos"

"Me and Justin dancing at Blues Fever"

"Chris and Renee Blues Dancing"

Sitting Here

I am just sitting here enjoying some time with my family. We are all here in our newly refurnished living room. My mom is on her laptop---now she's taking a call outside---, my sister is petting her dog, my brother is sitting beside me now and my dad is playing with Pandora on our new Blue-ray player. We are so blessed to have such a close-knit family who are able to hang out together like this. Of course, later my sister is going to watch something in the theatres with her friends and my brother and I are going to watch Transformers 3 for free! (love winning free stuff on the radio! :D)And my parents tend to go to sleep super early since my dad goes to work at 3am. But right here and now I am enjoying everyone's company. < 3

Nothing in Particular (And Aren't They Just Gentlemen)

I really don't have anything specific to talk about tonight....I just wanted to type. I just wrote on my Facebook about how I appreciate a man who looks out for a woman's virtue by warning her about things, including certain places, and certain people. It really shows their character. I very recently got into the blues scene, which, if you know anything about blues in the least, it can be a very raunchy and sexy scene to be in, filled with drugs, drinking, and...you guessed it....sex. I have had two men (and I am very correct in calling them men as their actions have led me to believe that they truly are) warn me on two particular parts of this scene. The one said to be careful of my alcohol intake as that can very easily lead to other things and also told me about how the scene usually went...the other warned me about a certain guy who likes to take advantage of girls when they are in this state (to that I say, it takes two to tango). I absolutely appreciated and held a higher respect for these gentlemen once they told me because they were actually looking out for my better interest. Made me happy. =)

I began analyzing this today because there has been a guy that I wasn't too sure about. I have liked this guy so much for the past few years and apparently he has liked me. The only problem is that there are certain things that I will not do, including sex before marriage, and I hope to find a guy who has never had sex (ideally) or at least isn't a man-whore lol He also needs to respect my wishes of not wanting to have sex until after I'm married. I also don't like it when people get drunk...they tend to make complete morons of themselves when they have had one too many. Again, I would like a guy that keeps his alcohol intake to social drinking only and doesn't try and coerce me into drinking myself drunk. He's tried to pressure me into this, and to that I say, enough.

I know now that there are still good men out there and hopefully I will be lucky enough to one day live the rest of my life with someone who cares about me 100%. Thank you guys for bringing my faith back in guys and for looking out for me, I appreciate it more than you know. =)

A thank you to the few good men out there.

Starting fresh
starting new
Already spring??
where's all the dew?

Wrap your arms around me
Never let me go
I want to know that I am safe
Safe from this world I know

LaDiDa

Your words can't hurt me anymore
I have been set free
All that was, no longer is
And who I was, I no longer am
All by saving grace, sent from above
All by mercy, graciously bestowed
Thank You for my freedom
Thank You for Your love
Thank You, thank You, thank You
What more can I say?
Oh yes...there is one more thing...

I LOVE YOU

Nothing

Standing on the verge of dreams
Nothing's ever as it seems
Scratching, clawing for a scrap of reality
Images flash across your face
Images of what you are
Of who you are
You don't like what you see
Suddenly this dream has become a nightmare
All that there is something that is so overbearing
How could things have ever come to this?
How did this even happen?
How could who you are on the inside have turned into this?
When did it turn to this?
Sure, on the outside, all is beautiful
Pulled together
Perfect
But no
You now see and grasp what it is that has haunted you for so long
It is the real you

This...

This nothingness that is displayed before you

How?

....how?

LOL

Round and round the world we go
Don't we know it all ends the same
Why not do something of note now
Why not get noticed now
Why wait til we're dead and gone
To see if maybe, just maybe we get some credit
Why not shout it from the rooftops

Social Obligation

I mix, I mingle, I do my best
To focus on you and not forget the rest
Social obligations all of the time
We don't get along but we have to act fine
Why on earth do we pretend?
Why can't this be the end
To all of this petty and pointless talk?

I'm standing here
Taking in
The beauty of
Your amazing love
Protruding from the tops of trees
Radiating from the flowers I see
Flowing from the rivers around me
Coming from the songbird's mouth
Up above the mountain tops
Spewing from the geyser's depth
Ebbing in the ocean's flow
All around me
Beauty,
Love,
Your love
As far as the eye can see

I Talk to Birds

Some would say it's weird, me talking to the birds

But they understand me, motivate me, move me

They tell me I can soar to new heights

Accomplish what has never been accomplished

Be who I wanna be and not what you want from me

They tell me I am strong, and bold, and vivacious

I am above all worries and heartache

I can say, do and act as I wish with no retribution

So, you may say it's weird, me talking to the birds

But I understand them, learn from them, and move on