"I am in so much pain!" People ask where it hurts as I am bawling, in hysterics, hyperventilating. "In my heart, in my soul, I don't know!" They chuckle as that was not the response they were expecting. But when I don't join in the laughs, they get serious again, fumbling for ways to help as they simply do not know what to do.
This past year has been set with very shattering lows and magnificent highs. I still struggle as I try to untangle all of the feelings...the sorrow, the anger, the anxiety....the fear....the guilt. So much fear. So much guilt.
I have been lucky that for the last year I have had an amazing man by my side through thick and thin. I wish I could help him understand the enormity of my emotions, but if he truly knew, he would be scared. So even though I will keep trying as he persists in wanting to understand, I never wish he know the true depth of my anxiety.
He was there the first day this all began (again)...
A year ago you hurt me. You hurt us...by hurting yourself. I saw it coming. I knew you were depressed. I could see it in your eyes, I could see it in the way you held yourself. I tried prying, tried understanding. I dug and dug, only to find out that what you gave me was all superficial. Yes, those were the things that you were dealing with, but I did not understand how deeply they were moving your heart...your soul.
I came over to find you being taken to the hospital, being told you had accidentally overdosed. Maybe they were trying to cover the truth for your sake...for my sake...but I foolishly believed them. Again, I failed to see how deep the hurt was...to understand the true complexity of the situation. I stayed behind, trying to make things seem normal for others...maybe I thought everything was normal? I would not let myself think about the reasons...why would this happen? I tried to keep myself innocent and oblivious.
But as time went on, I had to face it head on as I was forced to face more and more of the truth. I didn't want to...I was scared of what I would find...and I think you knew that. I never did get the truth from you. For each of us, a different story. Maybe you knew I didn't want to face the truth...that I would crumble from its weight...I was heartbroken that you didn't feel you could share with me...but I did find out and you would have been right...I crumbled from so many different pressure points.
Why would you not open up to me? I tried to talk it out with you just two days ago.
Why would you do this? Don't you know we would miss you?
How could you do this!? I was angry you could be so selfish as to not know how it would affect others. This person withdrew...that person got sick and cautious of their every decision and how it would affect you. Me? I was destroyed.
So many of us deal with these exact same issues...I deal with these exact same issues. I thought we had an unspoken pact that no matter how bad it got, we would never do this. We would never let it get this far.
As a matter of fact, at one point in my life it did nearly get this far. The ONLY reason I never went through with it was because of you. I didn't believe you would follow in my footsteps, but maybe you would do something drastic...maybe hurt yourself in some way. (When I told you this, you weren't worried about me...you were worried that I thought of you as weak.)
So yeah, I held on to a lot of guilt and a lot of anger for months and months. Guilt for unsuccessfully trying to help you and anger that you did not think about how your choice would have affected the rest of us.
Those feelings, mixed with the stress of my job led me to at least weekly anxiety attacks of grand proportions. My hair fell out in giant clumps. My nails stopped growing. I gained weight. I never got any sleep. The stress of my job grew as I could not reach my own expectations as I was just too tired...physically and mentally...to accomplish the simplest of tasks.
I broke down. I shut down.
And now I feel fear...so much fear. I am not there to watch your every move. I am not there to make sure you know you are wanted. I am not there to make sure you are taking your medicine, or going to therapy. I am not there to help the others as they deal with the fallout of this episode. I feel I have made it worse by moving away. By trying to be my own person.
I should be fully enjoying this new stage in my life. But instead, I am terrified.
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